just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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