the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
