Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
