Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
