I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
