I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
