You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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