i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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