I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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