Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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