It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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