I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
