I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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