I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
