dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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