I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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