the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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