I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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