i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Can I color on your dick again?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
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