So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I puked a lego.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
