wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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