Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
