Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
