I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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