He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
