My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Michael Bay diarrhea
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
