why didn't you poke me back
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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