First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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