i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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