got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
