I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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