i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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