someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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