Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
