I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
