remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
