I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
