Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
