so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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