planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
