Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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