omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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