I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
