I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
