I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
