i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
