dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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