I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
