after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
