I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
