I puked a lego.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize