i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
